Aug. 2025
Hello blog people I guess I’m here now. I don’t expect anyone to ever actually see this. I just need a space to vent I guess? Idk. I just don’t really have anyone I feel like I can talk to about these things and I guess having some place to write it all out is better than just bottling it all up until it explodes lol.
Sept. 2025
Ive never really been someone who cares about like. Having connections with other people. Maybe that sounds kind of terrible, it’s not like I don’t enjoy having friends. Having friends is great obviously. I just don’t really feel a need to go seeking out friendships or community though. I can manage things fine on my own.
Plus it feels like these days everyone’s only really out to get something from you. Free promotions, free merch from my shop, a free therapist to trauma dump all their problems on. People will come into my dms all the time saying just “hey” or “hi” or trying to start random conversations with me and it’s like… why would you think I care about chatting with some rando lol. Especially if you’re just gonna say Hey and nothing else. And then they get upset that I’m ignoring them like 1. I don’t owe you people anything and 2. If you want a response at least say something more interesting than a single word lol.
Someone actually reached out to me awhile ago saying we had an old mutual friend in common which I don't rlly remember but ok. But they were asking me to work on some storybook zine thing called like blue stars or something. Unpaid of course :/ And it’s like. Do you think I have time to be able to draw stuff for you for free for a story I’ve never even heard of and tbh don’t care about? I soft blocked the person because like if you’re not going to respect me or my time and ask me to do unpaid labor for you then you can gtfo lol.
Sept. 2025
Actually you know what it kind of really annoys me when mutuals will dm me like “oh let’s do an art trade! Let’s do a merch swap!” I can’t afford to be giving out my products for free man. My small business is my *job.* I need money to be able to afford to live I can’t be trading my products for other peoples junk.
Same when people will beg to have their fundraisers shared around or reposted or whatever, I know it’s hard out here but like I can’t really be reposting every “help me afford my monthly bills :,(((“ fundraiser post I see. My socials are for promoting my business, it seems unprofessional to be sharing that kinda stuff. I need to spend my time and my resources on me first and foremost. Especially when it’s the same people posting those kinds of pity posts every month. Idk maybe try getting an actual job or putting some more effort into your art and business instead of guilting people into giving you money online all the time.
Sept. 2025
Even though I have a pretty respectable amount of customers and quite a few mutuals sometimes it doesn’t really feel like anyone actually cares about *me.* Like there’s a few moots who will occasionally chat with me about mostly just like art or business stuff but it’s not really like a personal friendship making conversation. Or I’ll see people at cons and we’ll talk for like a minute and it goes nowhere and then we never talk ever again. Nobody ever reaches out just to like, hang out or ask how I am in a meaningful way. I used to have a few irl friends in the area but they all kind of just. Moved on from me I guess. Stopped texting me or inviting me to stuff. Maybe I could reach out to them but like it’s been so long now it would just feel awkward idk. Whatever they can all have their dumb instagramable brunch get togethers and movie nights without me idc.
Sept. 2025
The only real human interactions I get anymore is talking to the worker at the post office when I drop off shop orders. And even then I can tell the guy that’s normally at the counter is more and more annoyed with me each time because I’m dropping off so many different things all the time. Even my food I just order no contact delivery most days. It feels sometimes like I’ve just. Forgotten how to have a conversation with another person. Forgotten how to make friends. Not that anyone bothers talking to me anyways.
Sept. 2025
I can block whoever I want for whatever reason I want and I don’t owe anyone an explanation as to why. Just because SOME people can’t read between the lines and they need everything written out for them before they take the fucking hint doesn’t mean I actually have to sit there and explain my thought process about everything to them. I’ll block for whatever reason I want to. Bad vibes? BLOCKED. Bad takes on Hallowed Halls episodes? BLOCKED. Constantly trauma dumping on me randomly? BLOCKEDDDDD. If someone blocks you without warning literally just get over it and move on dont throw a temper tantrum like a baby because someone onwine doesn’t wike you :((( And especially dont try to come back on an alt and cry and yell at me about how mean I’m being or how I need to hear you out because guess what that’s going to get you? DOUBLE BLOCKED.
Oct. 2025
Rare positive post from me? I ran into someone kind of interesting today. Like literally ran in to her lol I had my head down on the way home from the post office and didn’t see her. She was chill about it though and laughed it off and I thought that was going to be the end of a very embarrassing interaction but she just kinda. Kept talking to me. And before I knew it we were just kind of hanging out and she walked me home. When we got to my building she said she’d like to see me again sometime soon and I said ok. Which kind of shocked me lol I’m not in the habit of hanging out with random people off the street but idk something about her just felt like. I don’t know how to put it. Intriguing maybe? Like I want to know more about her. Maybe I finally made a friend for the first time in however many years. Or maybe all this was just a one off thing and I’ll never see her ever again who knows lol.
Oct. 2025
Ok I’m feeling weird about yesterday now. She said she wanted to hang out again sometime and then just left like she didn’t give me her socials or even phone number or anything like that so how is she supposed to even contact me? She knows where I live is she just going to show up at my front door randomly. Literally why did I let a stranger follow me home lol that’s so dumb she could be a serial killer or something.
But also I mean. She seemed nice.
Oct. 2025
Sometimes I can’t help but wonder: if I went missing, would anyone actually notice? Would anyone put out an alert? Would anyone look for me? How long would it take until someone realized I was gone. Would it be my neighbour who stopped hearing me through the apartment walls? My landlord when I miss a payment? A customer after I fail to fulfill their order? My family that I only ever see anymore for weddings and funerals? And if I died. Would anyone bother showing up at my funeral? Would anyone even care enough to arrange one for me? Or would I slip away silently through the cracks of time, leaving the world as if I had never even existed in it at all?
Not that I intend to die or go missing or anything. I don’t obvs, I promise I’m fine lol. But those morbid thoughts still kind of just... Linger at the back of my mind late at night. I try to ignore it.
Oct. 2025
Yeah so that girl I met the other day? She literally just showed up at my door and asked if I was free lol. I was, obviously, since all I ever do is sit at home and stare at my computer until I make a sale. It was kinda jarring tbh, I think the last time someone knocked on my door it was ages ago, someone was looking for their friend and I had to tell em they were on the wrong floor. I almost didn’t bother answering the door at all today.
She didn’t seem to have anything in mind when she invited me out we sorta just started walking. Eventually she told me she wasn’t from around here so I said I would show her around properly some time. But today we kinda just wandered to no where in particular.
Oct. 2025
We hung out again today. I made good on my promise to show her around some. It’s probably good for me to be getting out more like this, yknow like Psychologically or whatever. Touching grass. We went to this little cafe I used to go to all the time but haven’t been to in ages, they have the best lattes.
We talked mostly about older cartoons and stuff. She knows a lot about the OG Maisy The Mutt history which is really interesting. I’ve seen fan artists draw Maisy all goth or punk sometimes online but figured it was kinda typical “turning innocent cutesy kids cartoon character EDGY” junk, never knew there was actual canon basis for those drawings. I only really know the Maisy cartoons I grew up with so hearing that her origins are more spooky is cool. It might be fun to design some gothic Maisy acrylic charms now that Stencil Line can’t literally shoot me dead for it lol.
Even though we basically just met, it for some reason feels really easy talking to her. I kind of get the feeling that maybe she’s been just as lonely as I have. She’s someone who needs a friend, same as me. Maybe that’s why we click so well. Idk is that cringe to say.
Oct. 2025
Felt kind of embarrassed when she asked me what I do. Not in like a career way but in terms of hobbies and stuff. It kind of made me realize that I don’t really have any hobbies. I don’t do stuff for fun. I only really draw when designing new merch or the odd commission, I don’t draw for myself anymore. I used to have a music review blog and I’d go to local concerts and stuff but I kind of just fell off of keeping up with that. Obvs I didn’t tell her about this blog lol she doesn’t need to see me whining about my problems all the time. These are My issues and I don’t want to dump all my problems on her and burden her with my sadness. She’s my friend not my therapist.
But also when I asked her the same question she was low-key evasive or at least vague? Or maybe I just didn’t understand what she was trying to say lol she has a kind of weird way of talking and sometimes the meaning of her words feels like it goes over my head a bit.
Anyways I told her I like music and she said she’d show me some cool indie stuff she knows. I got the download so I’ll put it here too. It’s nice, I haven’t really heard anything like it before.
Oct. 2025
God Halloween sucks so bad. First time going out to a midnight movie showing in ages and instantly I am reminded that everyone in the world sucks except for me. People getting drunk and yelling and trying to talk to me. Leave me alone. Stop talking during the movie. Couples making out in the back of the theatre. Ew. Having to pay 30 (THIRTY!!!) real American dollars for a large popcorn and 2 drinks. What the hell.
Whatever at least the movie was good and my costume was fun. Kind of hard to tell if my friend liked the movie or not though, she seemed unimpressed. Which I guess is fair it was a schlocky 80s slasher film, kind of a dumb plot but it’s still a classic. We didn’t technically plan to meet up there, I just went and assumed she’d be there (which luckily she was.) It would have been super embarrassing if she hadn’t showed though. Idk something about going to a movie alone it just feels like everyone would be judging me?
Nov. 2025
Tbh I’ve never been interested in history much. It’s just a lot of old dead people killing each other and I don’t really care about that stuff. But my friend said we should go to a museum and that it would be interesting so I said ok. I don’t know that many museums around here so we just went to the museum of the American west. At first I suggested we go to the maritime museum because pirates are cool but she got like this weird look on her face so I said one of the only other museums I could remember off the top of my head.
And yeah when we got there it was kind of just a lot of people killing each other back and forth over land and whatever. I did end up thinking the cowboy gallery was kind of neat but she didn’t seem to like it much. Guess the museum trip was a bust.
Kind of worried I’m messing things up. Idk I haven’t really had a close irl friend in an embarrassingly long amount of time. I feel out of practice? I hope she doesn’t think I’m lame now.
Nov. 2025
Having someone to actually Go Places with makes me feel a lot less awkward. I moved here years ago but I never took the time to do all the touristy sight seeing stuff because I was busy and also it seemed lame. Like… I moved here cuz there’s a lot more opportunities as an artist and it sort of felt like if I did the cringey tourist stuff it would mark me as an outsider, like I didn’t belong and wouldn’t ever fit in? Or like. It would make me vapid and superficial, like I wasn’t taking this step in my life seriously and nobody in the industry would take me seriously. Idk. Part of me does still roll my eyes and think that it’s cringe and dumb but at least it’s kind of fun when I have someone coming along with me and we can at least make fun of the dumb things and the tourists together.
And also I ended up not even working in the industry I was aiming for anyways so whatever who cares what they think lol.
Nov. 2025
The weathers been kind of terrible lately. I don’t mind rain or thunderstorms and I guess it’s not that unusual for November but still. Now that I’m like. Going places and doing things and hanging out with my friend it would be nice to have some less wet weather.
But at least rainy nights are good for staying in and watching scary movies. Janet comes over like every other day at this point so we’ve been going through some older horror films. I like the ones with the big monsters but she’s more into slasher films. I don’t know if anyone actually keeps up with this blog anymore since it’s kind of just turning into my personal daily life diary which is probably boring to read, but if you have any movie recommendations lemme know and I’ll check em out.
I feel kind of bad when my friend leaves for the night though, walking on her own in the dark and the rain. I have this irrational fear that because she’s so tall she’s going to get struck by lightning lol. I would let her stay over but I don’t have a spare bed or room and my couch is kind of small.
Nov. 2025
It was finally nice out so Janet and I went to the gardens today. The fall leaves made everything all orange and red and warm even though they’re technically dying. I feel like this city is a lot of concrete and glass and artificial man made stuff so being in a space of just nature was refreshing. There aren’t enough trees in LA and no I don’t think palm trees count as real trees.
I brought my dusty sketchbook out with us, first time it’s seen the light of day in ages. Did some life drawing of the people around us. Felt good.
Part of me kind of wanted to like. Hold her hand while we were walking. But idk it might be weird. She’s always wearing these mismatched leather gloves like all the time so idk if shes a germaphobe or has some kind of sensory thing or maybe a skin condition or something? But I didn’t want to overstep her boundaries so I just didn’t do anything.
Nov. 2025
I always feel kind of bad for animals in zoos. I know zoos do important work for like science and research and conservation and stuff but still sometimes the animals look so bored stuck in their cages. Also like a quarter of the exhibits were empty and probably more than half of the food places were closed. And I forgot to bring a water bottle so I had to spend like 10 bucks for fucking water.
There was also a school group there and I try to have a little more patience with kids than I do other people but still they can be so loud and annoying sometimes. Mostly I just kind of judge the teachers though like ma’am one of your students is trying to throw rocks through the fences maybe you should like. Do something about that. Kind of just tried to avoid the group altogether so we didn’t have to hear them yelling dumb jokes at each other.
I wanted to get a picture of Janet next to the giraffes because I swear sometimes it seems like she is just as tall as some of them but she’s not much of a fan of having her picture taken which yknow what thats fair me too.
The gift shop was also super overpriced. But the plushies were really cute. They had like a million of each animal on every wall. Caved in and got a panda lol she was just too cute.
Nov. 2025
I was cleaning out some old stuff the other day and found my old roller skates! I forgot I even had them. Brought em from home when I moved here but I never really got to use them much. Easier to just take the ruby. They still fit fine though so I found a roller rink not too far away and asked if Janet wanted to come with which thankfully she said yes.
The rollerway kind of sucked when we got there though. Way too crowded and loud and the music playlist was all mainstream trash. It smelled gross, like feet and rubber and stale nachos. Janet started feeling really bad, like sick or nauseous or something so we left and just found a skate park to hang out at for a bit.
But It felt good to use my skates again. I don’t think I’ve done any skating since I moved to LA. I always kind of feel weird out in public, like I’m worried people are watching and judging me. But with my roller skates it’s like I’m moving too fast for any of that to matter.
Also Janet is like. Really bad at skating lol. So much so that one of the times she tripped over she fully fell on top of me. Not that I minded ;p I didn’t really expect her to suck so much considering she moves in like this kind of very deliberate and suave sort of way normally. I guess the addition of wheels throws all that out the window. It was kind of cute? Like watching a baby giraffe try to walk for the first time. But I shouldn’t be too hard on her since she said this was her first time ever trying to skate.
Nov. 2025
Ok why did no one tell me the science centre is actually kind of fun. Idk I just sort of assumed it was aimed at kids and yeah parts of it definitely are but it was still really fun?
There was a bunch of different exhibits about sports, ecosystems, space, physics, all sorts of nerdy stuff.
Then, there was an exhibit about “the science of fear” that was all interactive and had challenges and stuff. There was a part with animal brain slices which was really gross and a giant interactive human man thing showing how the body responded to fear on like a physical and psychological level. I made the mistake of telling Janet I’m scared of heights and she made me get in this contraption thing that’s supposed to help people get over a fear of falling. I don’t think it helped much but at least she got a good laugh out of how scared I got >:/ But yeah Janet really seemed to like the fear exhibit and said it might even help her with her work or something? Actually I don’t remember what she said her job is. Would it be too weird to ask now? Probably. Oops. Does that make me a bad friend if I don’t remember what she does for work…
Nov. 2025
I find myself wanting to come to this dumb blog less and less in recent weeks. Idk I just feel like I have less to complain about and instead just wanting to blog about my regular everyday life. Been spending more time out of the apartment. Hanging out with my friend. My online shop’s doing well. Life’s pretty ok.
Speaking of all that stuff, she’s been staying over pretty frequently even when I’m not doing anything particularly interesting. Like I’ll just be packing orders and she’s kinda just over on the couch watching me. She’ll randomly walk in or out of my apartment whenever she feels like it. Sometimes she brings me take-out, it’s sorta like having a very tall cat lol. I don’t mind though. It’s nice not to be alone.
Dec. 2025
Why do feelings have to be so complicated ugh. Why couldnt I just make a friend and be satisfied with that. Why couldn’t it be someone else. I want to ask her out but there’s just so many factors that I don’t know about that it feels like maybe I shouldn’t bother and just let things be how they are. Is she even single? Is she even queer? I mean I assumed the answer was yes to both of those but technically I never asked and we’ve never really talked about it that much.
I’m worried that asking her out on like a *DATE* date will jeopardize our friendship and I don’t want to loose her. But also I don’t think another person has ever made me feel so happy. At least not for a really long time and I don’t know if I’ll ever meet someone like her again so it’s also like if I don’t ask her out then I might regret it for a really long time.
But I was fine on my own being single for so long it’s also kind of making me feel weird in a way I don’t know if I can properly describe. Like I would be giving something up if I let her fully into my life this way? Losing some of my individuality maybe? I’ve always been very independent and self sufficient and never needed anything from anybody but now it’s like. Idk it’s like, she kind of just showed up in my life and I accepted that and have adapted to it since then. But if I ask her out then that would mean I am *fully inviting* her into my life like. Potentially permanently? And my life would probably definitely change forever. There was some post I saw online at some point about like the consequences of inviting people into your life or something like that but I can’t remember the details.
Being vulnerable like that and putting my emotions and my heart out on display for another person is… scary to me. What if she laughs at me? What if she thinks I’m weird? What if I’ve just been reading too much into things between us and she was actually just being friendly and she thinks I’m gross for thinking about her like that?? What if she’s not into me.
Dec. 2025
Never mind about that last post lol turns out she is VERY into me ;))))
We’re going out on a proper date in the morning but I’m just. Really really happy. I feel happy and seen and cared about. I feel… loved. I don’t think I remember the last time I felt loved. Which normally saying that or I guess typing it out would make me feel really pathetic and lame and cringey but for once I don’t care about that.
For a long while I kind of didn’t feel like a real person. I complained about it plenty of times in my posts but I was. *So* lonely. It felt like I was a ghost in the world, just sort of aimlessly drifting through life without any real attachments or connections or impact. Janet changed that somehow. Being able to connect with her has made me feel alive again. Made me feel like a real person. When I’m with her my heart beats faster, I feel more awake and alert and it’s such an obvious sign that I’m alive and real and here in this moment with her.
She’s so amazing. She’s alluring and funny and hot and unique and charismatic and hot and confident and also did I mention hot. She’s travelled all over the country and she has so many interesting stories about the places she’s been and the sights she’s seen. I can tell she’s got some sort of mysterious past and of course everyone is entitled to their own secrets but still it seems to have made her such a complex and multifaceted woman. There’s just something about her that feels so magnetic and fascinating. Being close to her it kind of feels the same way the air does just before a thunderstorm. I’ve never met another person quite like her.
It’s nice to have someone I’ll get to wake up next to in the morning :}
Dec. 2025
Dear diary since that’s basically what this blog has devolved into at this point, today Janet and I went to get coffee and walk in the park. Not really any different than what we normally do but now I don’t feel anxious about holding her hand or staring at her lovingly for prolonged periods of time. She helped me carry some orders to the post office today too and I think the mail guy was surprised to actually see me with another person lol. Idk I guess none of this is very interesting to write about but still I feel like I want to document it anyways because these little moments feel important to me and make me happy.
I guess I kind of have a habit of only focusing on the negative side of things. People that annoy me, bad stuff that happens to me, random online comments that piss me off. None of that feels important anymore, it doesn’t bother me as much. When someone comments something stupid on my posts instead of seething and fixating and ruminating on their words for hours and hours, I just show it to Janet and we laugh about how stupid the person is and then I forget all about it.
Dec. 2025
I know in my last post I said I don’t feel like bitching about random people as much anymore but you know what the people of LA test me every day. They should make it illegal to shove phones in peoples faces while asking them questions and recording them without asking first. No more on the street podcasts. Actually can we just ban podcasters all together. The only podcast I bothered listening to stopped posting months ago and everything else has just been obnoxious to listen to. I hope that supposed serial killer that the news is talking about gets them all.
Actually about that idk how much I really believe there’s a serial killer. I mean people are always getting murdered or disappearing here it’s not that different than usual. I think it’s just the news fear mongering tbh. I was talking about it with Janet and she asked me if I was scared but like not really. I don’t think I’m interesting enough as a person for a serial killer to notice me. Or even if they did I now have a very tall, somewhat strange, occasionally kind of scary butch following me around everywhere so I feel pretty safe lol.
Dec. 2025
We went to an art museum today, I wanted to do some research for a new shop drop I’m planning lol. The museum I was thinking of going to apparently got shut down like two years ago? Yikes yeah it’s probably good that I’ve been getting out of the house more the last two months I am way behind on what's happening in the world around me. So anyway we pivoted and went to a different one.
Honestly I feel a lot of art galleries are all exactly the same. Paintings and statues on bright white walls with exposed ceilings showing off all the pipes and wires and ugly parts of the building for whatever reason. We kind of just wandered through the exhibits until I found what I was looking for so I could take pictures and notes.
While I was doing that though at some point Janet wandered off from me which yeah fair I was not paying attention to her, but also. This is embarrassing to admit but I kind of started panicking. I’ve gotten so used to having her near me when I’m out I guess I’ve been using her as a lifeline and without her next to me or in my eye line suddenly the world felt a lot more… I don’t know what word would fit. Sinister? Malicious? Like something could go wrong at any moment and I would be trapped, stranded in this maze-like gallery alone. What if the building collapsed and the ceiling fell on top of me, crushing me to death? What if I’m actually not allowed in this part of the building and the security guards take me to jail? What if one of these other people in here is a serial killer and follows me into some corner no one else can see to gut me? What if I lose my phone and wallet and train pass and I can’t get on the ruby back home and I’m just stuck out on the street and I don’t know how to walk home from here? What if the animals in these paintings come to life and tear me to pieces?
I know none of those are very rational fears (especially the last one lol) but still it was just like. Immediate panic and fear and I didn’t know if I should walk around aimlessly and try to find Janet or just stay where I was and hope she came back. (But also. What if she left me here forever and she hates me and she’s never coming back?)
But in the end all of that anxiety and blinking back tears and heart beating so fast I thought I was going to die and shaking and feeling nauseous was unwarranted because Janet wandered back over to me eventually.
I feel kind of pathetic for being so clingy. I’m probably annoying her taking up so much of her time.
Dec. 2025
I’ve been thinking now that I’ve managed to kind of break out of my shell a little and make one new friend (girlfriend? Idk we haven’t discussed labels really) maybe I could try reaching out to other people too? Some of my old friends from the area maybe, or the mutuals I see regularly in the other artist alley booths at cons. I mean Janet is great of course, I like her a lot and spending time with her has made me feel more confident and happy and stuff, but I think depending on only one other person might not be good for like. Co-dependency or whatever. And with more friends we could do more stuff. Like Christmas is coming up. I don’t have family to spend it with and I get the feeling Janet doesn’t either with the way she kind of dances around the subject, but with a bigger friend group we could have a big holiday party and spend it all together.
This probably sounds really dumb idk. I dunno, I’m just starting to feel like maybe I actually don’t hate all people. Maybe people can be good and kind and fun to be around. I always kind of rolled my eyes at “humans are social creatures” but I guess it’s true.
Dec. 2025
I was stupid for ever thinking I could trust someone. I was right all along to think that everyone is only out to get something from you. I feel so fucking dumb for all of this. Spending like ten weeks of my life on her all for it to have been a big fucking waste of time. I could have spent that time doing more important things like working instead of having stupid coffee dates and sleepovers and walks in the park. Why did I not just ignore her that first time she tried to talk to me. I ignore everyone else.
I feel hollow.
I was just telling her about how I was thinking of reaching out to old friends and mutuals to try and be more connected. She said I should reach out to “Jane.” I was confused ofc because I don’t know anyone named Jane?
Until she reminded me that actually I used to be mutuals with them on an art forum a few years ago. I kinda forgot about that whole situation but yeah Jane zine or whatever they used to draw like Maisy mutt fanart and scary cartoons and stuff. I remember I had to block them because they were super clingy and kept talking to me like we were bffs when like I barely knew them. We were just art mutuals but they kept trauma dumping all their personal problems on me out of nowhere.
So anyways obviously I was like “Why would I reach out to someone I’ve never actually met who made me uncomfortable and crossed my boundaries multiple times and that I blocked years ago?” Janet told me that I need to go “help Jane” and that it was my responsibility to “make things right” or whatever. She told me the reason she was actually even here in the city in the first place was because of Jane.
So it’s like. The whole reason you even made friends with me was just because this other person wanted to get to me? You didn’t actually want to be my friend or care about me? I was just a stepping stone to you?? For this other random person to get something out of??? How would I even help someone I’ve never even met in person before????
Even if I wanted to help I don’t even know what Jane looks like or where they live or anything. And what do you expect me to do about someone else’s living or financial or whatever situation. I don’t even know what help I was supposedly going to provide she didn’t elaborate at all.
It all just kind of hit me like a brick all at once. Janet had literally never once mentioned this Jane person before but now she reveals that all along, the entire time we’ve known each other, she was just trying to I guess make me go help them somehow. Did any of our time together even mean anything to her. Did I even mean anything. I don’t understand any of this. Why me?? I’m literally nobody.
I don’t even fully remember what I was saying but I kind of just started crying and yelling at her. Telling her to leave and never come back, she could go fuck herself, that I was better off without her, that I wished I never met her, that if this Jane girl was soooo important than Janet could go help them herself.
I don’t think I’ve ever been so upset or angry or heartbroken in my life. It felt like all my emotions were scaled up by a thousand and my heart was about to explode out of my chest. It felt like I had been stabbed in the back.
I really felt like I was going to die.
She barely even said anything. Barely even moved. She just watched me screaming and sobbing and throwing pillows at her until I exhausted myself and collapsed on the bed crying.
And then she held me, and she said something to me I don’t even want to write down or remember or acknowledge, and then she left.
Now I’m just alone, exhausted, numb to everything in my dark apartment that still smells like her cigarette smoke. It feels like she took some part of me with her when she left. Something in my heart. The thing that lets me connect with others.
I don’t want to see her or talk to her ever again. Even if I did I have no way of contacting her or finding her. No last name no family no phone number or social media or home address. Janet probably isn’t even her real name.
I don’t know if I’ll ever even be able to talk to another person ever again. It feels impossible. It feels like even if I wanted to I wouldn’t be able to. Like now there’s something terribly different between me and everyone else. I’m missing something important that they all have and no matter what I do I will never get it back.
I got her these fancy new leather gloves since hers seem so worn that I was going to give her for Christmas. What do I do with them now.
I’m deleting this blog. I don’t want the memories. I might even move apartments. I don’t want to be here if she does come back… not that I think she will.
292½°
WNW